im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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