i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
