whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
