Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
