walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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