my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
