She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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