This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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