Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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