he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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