i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize