Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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