The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
