Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize