I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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