just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
