why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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