I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
