Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
