oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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