It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
