my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
