Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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