Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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