i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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