My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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