im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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