i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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