I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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