All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize