Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
