My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize