just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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