Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
