would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
