My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
