If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
