Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
