Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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