I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Boobs speak an international language.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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