now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
