My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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