Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
