OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
