Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
