He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
