The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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