she was so not down for the gang bang
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize