I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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