get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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