I could make wine with my vomit
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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