This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
