He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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