i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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