don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
