I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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