I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
