Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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