We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize