Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize