I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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