Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize