We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
