I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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