I forgot how hot balto sounded
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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