Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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