um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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