Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
