Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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