Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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