I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
