You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
